Another Rainy Day

We’ve finally been getting some rain lately. That’s a good thing, really; we’ve been in a drought for some time. Plus, I really like rain. It’s soothing to listen to, even if it makes the depression seem more prevalent. I think it’s the drowsy aura that makes the sad thoughts come out.

And the sad thoughts have certainly been coming out.

I’ve mentioned before on this site, but I struggle with schizoaffective disorder, specifically the bipolar variant. Due to issues I was having with my meds and life stressors, it triggered a two month long manic episode. Blew money like crazy, louder and more bombastic, sexually preoccupied, prone to using drugs, not sleeping, bouncing off the ways with these wild ideas that could never happen…you get it. Mania sounds fun, I know. But what they don’t tell you about mania is that the pleasure hurts. After a while of being high, it starts to hurt your head. It stops being fun.

Let’s not forget the “schizoaffective” part of this disorder. Yes, it is extremely similar to schizophrenia. Yes, I hear voices. Yes, I see things. In fact, I was attacked by shadow people inside a parking garage last week. Due to my education and line of work, I was aware that it wasn’t real. But it was fucking horrifying. Made me super paranoid the rest of the day and some days after. Even now, I’m on high alert for their return. At least my “god complex” delusions are gone, otherwise I would’ve tried to fight them.

After a medication adjustment or three, I was finally stable for a few weeks. I felt relaxed, contained, and able to make sound decisions. However, the inevitable spiral occurred after hearing my therapist tell me I’m manic again (the irony is not lost on me). That was almost a week ago, but everything hurts. I’m constantly apologizing to everyone around me because I feel like such a burden. I’ve accomplished a lot in my (almost) 33 years on this planet. What if I’ve reached the end? I still have a few things to do, but I’m worried they’ll go nowhere. Moreover, I’m horrified that this disorder will do me in and render me incapable of functioning. I see some of my clients and worry so much that I’m going to end up like them.

I’ll try to do better.

Thanks for reading.